Republicanagrams

After months of posting, posturing and pestering; debating, berating and deliberating; the first electoral action of the 2016 US political cycle is taking place Monday in Iowa. As a responsible citizen, I am here to educate my readers about the fine details of each candidate’s policy platform so we can all be more informed voters.

Just kidding! Instead, we’re going to learn each Republican candidate’s actual name, using anagrams. Did you know that “Jeb” isn’t a name, it’s actually an acronym-nickname? A nickronym? Yes, this is what procrastination looks like while I’m working on a huge post that will (hopefully) be done next week.

You probably don’t know each candidate’s full name and middle name, but the common names (Jeb, Carly, Rand) should be enough for you to guess each anagram in red. Click on each one to see the answer.

An unexpected animal: a rare raccoon in a lift

The scariest pests of all: major Cheshire hipster tics

Pontius Pilate’s plea: adjourn, harm no Christ

Boxes that keep your candy quiet: jello hush bins. Alternatively, the place where you get your boat detailed: hull shine jobs 

Colorful sports punishment: red card azure flaw

Achievement of the Care Bears’ doctor: I healed a chuckle beam

Not the best known candidate, so you get three anagrams: get ram joust realism, just armor gleam site, go muster jail master

An embarrasing situation: rich shock, hind ajar

My favorite music party: hard lawn rap aloud

A medical emergency this candidate wants to outlaw: an ICU room abortion 

Migratory exercise program: do jump, land north 

And finally, some troubling news from Utah: Mormon ninja cases baloon

I sincerely apologize to everyone who clicked here today expecting astute analysis and captivating prose. I owe you one.