Jacobcoin

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for participating in Jacobcoin, the world’s first honest ICO, or Investor Cheating Operation. Our motto is: “The nerd you beat up on in high school is already a crypto-millionaire, so what are you waiting for?”

Introduction and Mission Statement

Cryptographic distributed ledgers, or “blockchains” as your grandma calls them, are an exciting emerging technology. They have the potential to revolutionize the economy, the legal system, and the collection of digital cats.

To be fair, it’s quite unlikely that I, Jacob, am going the one to turn the promise of blockchain into a reality. But then again, the same could be said of a company that makes juice, a company that makes juice and also ice tea, and a banana plantation in Laos. And y’all still gave them millions of dollars, so who knows?

bananacoin

Technical Details

I decided not to bother with a white paper full of incomprehensible technical jargon; no one reads those anyway. Instead, Jacobcoin (trade ticker: PONZ) will let you jump straight to the heart of cryptoinvesting – senseless speculation. Each Jacobcoin will be worth exactly 99% of what the next sucker investor pays for a Jacobcoin. The remaining 1% will be spent by me in a manner that depends on the total amount raised:

  • $1 – $1,000: I will spend the proceeds on whiskey.
  • $1,000 – $100,000: I will spend the proceeds on really expensive whiskey.
  • >$100,000: I will decide that I’m a cryptogenius, move with my cryptofriends to Crypto Castle, and lose my cryptopants to the next cryptocrash.
Legal

Some early investors expressed concerned that the Jacobcoin ICO may draw the attention of the Securities and Exchange Commission for being an unregistered issuance of regulated securities.

Our response:

  1. The SEC defines “security” as “certificate of interest or participation in a profit-sharing agreement“, and I never agreed to share any of my profits with anyone.
  2. If you invested early enough, you can almost certainly find some idiot to take the Jacobcoins off your hands before it blows up.
Ledger Maintenance

The record of Jacobcoin transactions will be maintained in a distributed manner on both my phone and my laptop. Power to amend the ledger is based on “proof-of-Jacob”, in which to be able to amend the ledger you need to be Jacob. This is the first real implementation of a trustless blockchain – I don’t trust anyone, and you shouldn’t trust any idiot who is willing to invest their money in Jacobcoin.

Welcome to Jacobcoin

and may God have mercy on your souls.

6 thoughts on “Jacobcoin

  1. To be fair, I would have to guess that most of the readers of your blog are the kids who themselves got beat up in high school, rather than the other way around.

    Like

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